Limiting our exposure to people who bring us down can be necessary for our mental health. While setting boundaries for difficult members of a friend group or workplace can be difficult, if those people are family members, it can be even more challenging.
WellTuned spoke with Jennifer Pastusic, a licensed clinical social worker and behavioral health clinical case manager with BlueCare Tennessee, to find strategies for dealing with difficult family members.
“With family members, we tend to be more forgiving of behaviors we wouldn’t normally tolerate,” Jennifer explains. “I think this is due to a closeness and commitment, or bond we have with them.”
Why you need to set boundaries
Jennifer Pastusic: If a family member consistently makes you feel uncomfortable or upset, it’s time to set some healthy boundaries. When you do so, you’re making yourself a priority. You’re taking care of yourself and your own needs in a meaningful way.
Setting boundaries gives you the ability to:
- Say no to a request for a favor or to attend an event
- Keep your personal information private
- Manage your own time as you see fit
- Free yourself from blame
How to set boundaries
Jennifer Pastusic: Once you determine the need for healthy boundaries in certain relationships, consider these tips to make a plan:
Identify your feelings. Figure out what has made you uncomfortable. When did those feelings start? Was there a specific action or behavior that occurred? Knowing what triggered your feelings is vital. If you have a therapist, it might help to talk this over with them.
Decide what your boundaries are. This will look different for everyone. It may even vary from family member to family member. Be realistic about your expectations about what you can tolerate.
Talk to your family members. Calmly communicate with your family member about your feelings. They may be surprised when you bring up your concerns, and they may need time to respond to you. In some cases, giving them the chance to acknowledge and then change their behavior is all you will need to do.
Be prepared for push-back. Your family member may not respond exactly how you’d like. When someone doesn’t like what they are hearing, they may object, get upset, or even try to convince you that you’re wrong.
Be assertive. If your family member is angry or tries to get you to back down, stay firm. You can be assertive without being confrontational. After all, you’re setting a boundary to resolve conflict, not create more. Let them know that you are serious about what you’re telling them and it’s very important to you. You can be kind while remaining direct.
Be consistent. Don’t send mixed signals to your family member. If you said you wouldn’t do a certain thing, don’t give in the next time it comes up. Make sure that your actions mirror your words. Boundaries are only as good as the behaviors holding them in place.
Stick to your boundaries
Jennifer Pastusic: Change is hard, and it can be challenging to set and maintain boundaries, especially if you have a long history with someone.
Resolve to stick to your boundaries by reminding yourself why you set them. You’re caring for yourself, and your boundaries will help you protect your mental, emotional, and psychological well-being.
“Don’t forget to be grateful to family members who honor and respect your boundaries,” says Jennifer. “Showing your gratitude will reinforce that you have noticed that they are respecting your boundaries and appreciate it.”
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Get more information about specific health terms, topics and conditions to better manage your health on bcbst.com. BlueCross BlueShield of Tennessee members can access wellness-related discounts on fitness products, gym memberships, healthy eating and more through Blue365®. BCBST members can also find tools and resources to help improve health and well-being by logging into BlueAccess and going to the Managing Your Health tab.