Picture this: Someone asks you to do something — give money, attend an event or take on a project. You want to say “no,” but you hear “yes” coming from your mouth. Why does this happen?

To find out, and to learn how to avoid it, WellTuned spoke with Benjamin Breeding, a behavioral health specialist with BlueCross BlueShield of Tennessee.

Why do we say “yes” when we mean “no”?

Benjamin Breeding: Humans are social creatures. We thrive most consistently when we work together. It’s a characteristic that has helped us, collectively and individually. But at times, it also has the side effect of making it difficult to maintain boundaries.

Sometimes we say “yes” because we’re people pleasers. We want to impress others —or at least not disappoint them. We feel guilty when we say “no.” Sometimes we say “yes” because we don’t have a very high opinion of ourselves, and we hope that saying “yes” will improve that. Sometimes we say “yes” because we overestimate our ability to take on another task.

Regardless of the reason, the results are often the same. We find ourselves overextended and exhausted. Worse, saying “yes” may reinforce the idea that our time and energy aren’t worth protecting.

Some people find it harder than others to say “no.” Learning to say “no” and maintain healthy boundaries is a skill, which means that you can improve if you practice. If you find yourself struggling, just practice saying, “I’m sorry, but I can’t.”

Why should we work harder at saying “no”?

Benjamin Breeding: We only have a certain amount of time and energy. We need to remind ourselves sometimes that we can’t do it all. Sure, sometimes we’ll find ourselves stretched too thin to tackle all the tasks on our to-do list. But we need to make that the exception, rather than the rule. If you constantly overextend yourself, you won’t have the energy to do anything well. It may even take a toll on your health.

Saying, “No, I can’t do that right now” may feel uncomfortable, but you’re prioritizing your long-term goal of remaining healthy and available to support both yourself and others in the future.

How to say “no”

Benjamin Breeding: Honesty is the best policy. You don’t have to feel like you’re being rude to gracefully decline. When someone asks you to commit to something that you simply don’t have the capacity for, you can just say so. Your friend may be disappointed, but that doesn’t mean you need to change your response. Also, by setting boundaries, you’re setting a good example for others to do the same thing for themselves.

Other ways to say “no”:

• “I’m afraid I’m not available right now.”
• “Thanks for thinking of me, but I can’t take that on at this time.”
• “I’m honored that you asked me, but I can’t.”

What if it’s hard to say “no”?

Benjamin Breeding: It can be stressful if someone pushes back on your response. They may not understand your reason, or they may have poor boundaries themselves. Your goal should be to create a shared understanding of your capacity. You may not want to disclose personal reasons for refusing, and that’s fine. But explain as much as you want to. Saying “no” can feel awkward, especially at first. Remind yourself that you’re only human — and you can only do so much.

It might feel harder to say “no” to a request from someone from your workplace, especially if it’s coming from someone who’s higher up on the chain of command. You may need to explain that you’re already overcommitted or that you need more information before you can provide an answer.

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“When we remind ourselves that saying ‘no’ to some things frees us up to say ‘yes’ to other things, it becomes easier to stand our ground,” Benjamin says. “Know that it’s OK to do the right thing for yourself.”

More from Benjamin Breeding on WellTuned

Get more information about specific health terms, topics and conditions to better manage your health on bcbst.com. BlueCross BlueShield of Tennessee members can access wellness-related discounts on fitness products, gym memberships, healthy eating and more through Blue365®. BCBST members can also find tools and resources to help improve health and well-being by logging into BlueAccess and going to the Managing Your Health tab.